It wasn’t that it hadn’t happened before. It was that it had happened too many times before.
That same place.
Like taking a deep breath in and holding it, then realizing it was the breathing back out that was the problem.
My cycle should have started, but it hadn’t. So day after day I’d climb into bed and quietly tell myself, “Don’t hold you breath…tomorrow it’ll start.”
Morning, afternoon, evening. And each day still nothing. Six and a half years of this monthly cycle seemed to engrave into my hopes that disappointment was on the other side.
But this time…this time in the swell of emotions, something felt different. This time while I longed, I also felt this release. His plan (no matter what the outcome was) was going to be good. I believed it. It was a truth I had some to experience over the many years. It was with Asher’s adoption, it was in every big, small, significant and minuscule aspect of my life….why wouldn’t it be now? And quietly I felt Him say, “You can trust Me.”
Another day, and another.
And still nothing.
Even talking about it seemed risky. Like maybe if I said something then my cycle would suddenly start. Silly, but true. But now, over a week and a half late, I knew I needed to do something. I knew we needed to know. When I told Michael we agreed to give it a couple more days and then take a pregnancy test.
Friday was the set date.
I realized as the time grew closer to know, turbulence grew in my heart. What I knew in my mind warred against what I felt in my heart. Questions rose and fell. I felt the more I hoped, the more my heart would break if we weren’t. We’d been there countless times before. I purchased the pregnancy test and prayed. A lot. No matter what, no matter the outcome…let me trust.
Thursday afternoon it seemed to be the only thing on my mind. Less than twenty four hours and it wouldn’t be a question anymore. My hands literally shook thinking about it. I couldn’t even count the amount of pregnancy test I’d taken over the years….always the same outcome. Always those same two words ‘not pregnant.’ Why would this time be any different? I needed something. I needed truth. I needed Him to refocus my eyes and recenter my heart.
And then as I drove in my car running an errand (somehow) alone, the song came on. I believe God also knew that I needed the moment of solitude, this moment with Him, this moment He carefully wrote into my story. The lyrics began:
“When did I start to forget
All of the great things you did?
When did I throw away faith for the impossible?
How did I start to believe
You weren’t sufficient for me?
Why do I talk myself out of seeing miracles?”
He had my attention.
I reached and turned the volume a little louder.
“You are more than able
You are more than able
(You are, You are) you are more than able
(We’ve seen it) you are more than able
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?”
And then, like the earth and waters raging, releasing pressure at the storm at hand, tears began to flood from my eyes. My body shook and my hands gripped the wheel. And louder still I turned the music…this time, singing as if releasing the breath I’d been holding for so long…as loud as I could, joining the refrain over and over, telling, teaching, proclaiming, “You are MORE than able!”
It’s amazing I made it to my destination.
Makeup washed away, evidence of my divine meeting.
And then a bit quieter, the song repeated over and over at the end, “You’re not done with me yet….You’re not don’t with me yet. There’s so much more to the story…You’re not done with me yet….”
And I believed it.
This test wasn’t the end of the story. That’s the beautiful thing about this life, His pen continues to write. Nothing takes Him by surprise, the result that would soon be a surprise to me, to Him was carefully written into our story before I was even born. In that moment He spoke straight to me…if we were pregnant, it was Him alone. If we weren’t pregnant, there was still so much more to the story.
I clicked off the music.
This time I breathed in…and then in sweet release….back out again, the way only truth allows you to do. I knew no matter what tomorrow morning would bring, He was more than able to do whatever He wanted. I knew the story wasn’t finished. I knew He was (as He always is) in the business of working miracles.
And sooner than I realized, I would experience yet another one that He had tenderly, carefully been working on since before I was born. Sometimes I imagine our Heavenly Father smiling and whispering, “Just wait….”
Music has this way of ministering so thoroughly to the soul. There are songs that I’ll hear and will forever recall a specific section of our journey.
Like the song “Hidden.” Only a year into our journey at the time. So raw with emotion. So weak, so unsteady. Like the song “Goodness of God” that will always remind me of our adoption with Asher. The remarkable ways He tended to my heart at my very lowest and showed up in bold and perfect ways.
Like the song “Just as Good” that came over the speaker at the retail shop while my mom and I were having a girls afternoon. Tucked in the back corner, thick in the unknown ahead longing for a second child, listening and declaring together, “And I will build an alter and stack it stone by stone. ‘Cause every Ebenezer says I’ve never been alone. My faith will surely falter, but that would change what You’ve done, ‘cause every Ebenezer points to where my help comes from.”
Like the song “Rattle” my dad texted me when we were in the middle of fertility treatments. “My God is able to save and deliver and heal and restore anything that He wants to…..this is what He says, live!” Over two years from that date that same song came on while our family was cooking dinner together in the mountains. This time, pregnant. Looking at my dad from across the kitchen island, realizing he had tears in his eyes too….because that is what God had said…live.
There are literally countless others. I love how creative our God is. How He meets us where we are and knows exactly what we need in that exact moment. Sometimes with a friend, sometimes with His word…and sometimes with music. And as I reflect on songs that have been a balm to my heart throughout our years of infertility, adoption, wait, unknown (and now pregnancy) I thought I’d share a few below in case, maybe, your heart needs them too.