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I don’t know if it’s the season or the sentiments. I don’t know if it’s the anticipation of fresh starts and clean slates but my hearts seems unsettled and my mind kicks up the dust twirling this way and that. I try to define what I hope the days of the new year will hold, will look like….but the lines seem fuzzy. As I think about the days ahead I can’t help but remember the days behind. But maybe that’s what it’s supposed to be. Maybe pondering the past helps clarify the future.

I remember my 9-5 job. I remember the routine. Each day looked like the one before it. I remember waking up early, before the sun. I remember the three alarms (each set five minutes after the other), dragging my feet down the hall of our apartment to brew my Dunkin’ Donuts hazelnut coffee. I remember sitting on the living room floor with a big blanket, a big dog and a big Bible. I remember days of answering phones, days of white walls and trying my best to bring the joy of Jesus to customers. I remember wonderful coworkers and hard, awful, “just trying to make it through” weeks. I remember Michael’s late nights turned to early mornings of studying, of Seminary, of homework, of papers.

Then the search for Michael’s job. I remember days of encouragement and nights of fears. Of Skype interviews, talks of anticipation, flights to California, drives to Kansas. I remember countless prayers. I remember the unease and anticipation alike of the unknown days ahead. I remember the night when we got the call from Gashland extending the job to Michael. Dancing on the couch, knees on the floor. Tears. Praise to the Lord for His constant direction in our lives.

I remember the final days at Medical West. Emotions different each day. Excitement. Sadness. Overwhelmed. Dread of leaving old friends, scared of making new ones. There was duck tape and boxes. Possessions and memories alike being packed away. Moving trucks, hugs that held with them the knowledge that life was going to be different but the memories would stay the same. Then there was the story of finding a house. I remember what it felt like when things fell through but then the awe of the goodness of God as He seemed to drop in our lives a house 100x better than the first. I remember thinking about His provision, His faithfulness that seems to overwhelm me anew.

A new chapter began. A new church, new neighborhood, new routine. Things were fresh…and scary. The learning curve. Unpacking and redecorating. The joy in Michael’s new position. I remember feeling unbelievably blessed by our new church family. I remember the week when it began to feel like our home and not just the place we attended. Loved. Welcomed. I remember when I began my photography full time. It was hard and rewarding and messy and refreshing. The feeling of the title “small business owner.” Marketing. Weeks seemed the same at first–discouraging. Prayers for work but instead He seemed it best to wait, to grow my faith. Pivotal truths learned in my walk with Jesus. Coffee with new friends, fellow business owners. I remember sharing with Michael about the generous hearts and sweet spirits of the women I was meeting. Again I was blown away at the way the Lord directed and crossed paths and connected. I remember nights in the kitchen so discouraged I was physically unable to stand. I remember Michael’s strong arms. My tears and his support. I remember thinking how did I deserve such a wonderful man? Then the start of a new season. The season where my business seemed to boom. Each new client a special encouragement from the Lord sent directly to me. I remember thinking about how good God was. How He knew my heart so intimately, His plans for my life so perfectly.

Fall. My favorite season. My new desk for my office space. Leaves changing, routine beginning to seem understood. I remember starting to feel like friends were being made. I remember Michael and I eating dinner at the kitchen table one night and him saying that day at work he sat in his office and thought ‘how in the world did I get such an amazing job?’ I remember long walks with our dog. Starting Wednesday morning bible study. The craze of photography. Editing, blogging, and pondering on how this was an abundant answer to previous prayers. The stress. For both Michael and I. Michael’s final exams for ordination. Passing. Rejoicing. Yet another milestone in our marriage.

And with the ups came the downs. The day Maximus was hit by a car. Sobbing. Death. Mourning. I remember feeling so close to Michael, knowing he was the only person in the world who was experiencing the exact emotions I was. I remember hugging each other, shirts wet from endless tears. I remember how everything we did reminded us of him. I remember how we didn’t want to be apart. But I also remember feeling cared for in a way I had never experienced before. Flowers, meals, baskets, roses, cards. I remember thinking this was the body of Christ. A season of sadness. When seeing pictures brought tears and memories and pain.

I remember feeling the slow effect of healing. The beginning of looking for a new puppy. How our family on both sides loved us, came beside us. New life. Thanksgiving. Holidays. Trips to Colorado. White, relaxing, refreshing. Needed rest. Needed love. Needed family. Laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, feeling so much love for my nephew I couldn’t stand it. I remember thinking about childhood memories like they had just happened. I remember feeling so blessed these were my people. I adored, respected, admired each of them….not only for who they were personally, but also for who they were uniquely to me. Flights home. Hand holding. I remember being so thankful for a man who traveled through life with me. I remember thinking no matter where I went, he was with me.

Knee surgery. Feeling the effects of a broken body, but strong marriage. How Michael cared so tenderly for me. Brought me hot tea, held up me up as I struggled to walk, tickled my back as I lay in pain. His comfort, his love that I discovered in a new way. The better half of me. I remember feeling in awe that he knew me so intimately, that he treasured me so highly, that he cherished me so sweetly. His servants heart and humble spirit. I remember feeling undeserving of such a man. That he gave so generously of himself even though he knew I couldn’t give anything in return.

Christmas. Time off. Playing board games on the living room floor with family by marriage. I remember looking around, thankful to be a part of each one of their lives. I remember feeling so grateful God let me be a Morefield. So loved, so accepted. A second set of parents who supported us, who left a legacy in our lives and an example of what we want to be as a mom and dad one day. For my siblings by marriage–how comfortable we were together. Joking. Sharing. Doing life through different seasons with each other. I remember feeling overwhelmed with thanks. I still do.

And then today.

I slept till 10. I have no makeup on as I write this. I’m playing music softly in the background with the Christmas gift Michael got me. It’s snowing outside. Big, fat, silent flakes. I lay here on the couch and as I write each paragraph, I seem to relive each memory. Someone wise once told me, “Isn’t it gracious of the Lord to give us each day as it comes?” So as I started to worry about next year, I remembered last and realized I’m grateful I don’t know what this year will bring. I don’t know what each day will look like. I don’t know the joys, the trials, the moments I’ll cry in pain or the days I’ll revel in delight. But I’ll tell you what I do know. I know the God who does. I know that He is good and how He always has my best in mind. I know that He plans each day and bring it about what care. And as I look back and remember–each detail that lives in my memory is colored by the faithfulness of God.

I don’t know what next year will bring.

And I’m beginning to see…..
that’s exactly how I want it.